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MartenFerret

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I've been feeling morbid lately. Don't worry: it's normal (for me)---it comes and goes every odd once in a while, but I tend to dive deep into it when it happens.


I'm unsure what directed my attention to WikiFur, but I went there and began looking at furry deaths. I'd read the respective subject's dates (birth-death), cause of their demise, and click to view their galleries.


I found, via reading shouts, I wasn't the only one who'd thought to do this. ^^


I read journals of the deceased, too---things (presumably the last things) written by the dead.

Most of the journals were of the ordinary sort: commission information, con experiences, memes and so forth. Others were kinda grim. :(


Some furs wrote about the sicknesses that would ultimately call them home, often with concluding notes saying they hoped to recover. Scroll down to the comments and one reads "RiP", etc (so we know how those ended). :p


Suicide notes were also a thing, but I don't want to call anyone specific out here, neither do I wish to trigger my readers (beyond that which one would expect a journal like this would, anyway). ^^


In my reading, I'd observed many comments left by those who claimed they didn't know the deceased, but hoped the dead'd found peace, etc---comments left years after the account holder had died (again, I wasn't the only bored person who'd thought to browsed WikiFur). ^^


Again, I'm sure some such commenters were like me, just browsing through obituaries and (unlike me) wanted to leave a nice thought behind (I prefer to say nothing).

These shouts show not all of us will be totally forgotten only weeks after we're gone---our art, journals, and suchlike will remain awhile, and by extension so will our memory (until our site host pulls the plug, of course).


This brings thoughts to and about the last uploads made the deceased.


In my case, if I were to die today (04/06/2023), my last upload (that didn't go to scraps) would be an ACO of the Water Pets puppy:

Water Pets

A visitor may think to themselves, "This Water Pet was the last thing the artist, who was eaten by squirrels, ever drew!"


I'm not sure what my response to that would look like, save it may involve a note to cancel all squirrels. ^^


Personally, I'd like my last upload to be something cute, clean and neutral---nothing spicy or (overtly) fetishy, least the reader think,


"This was a turn-on of the dead ...nothing turns them on anymore, for their essential chemical components for lust have evaporated, and their wiener has fallen away"


Yeah, I'd greatly prefer to direct the bereaved's attention elsewhere. :P


Now, I should think about my death and what I'll leave behind. I'm fairly old already (I'm in my 42nd orbit at time of writing), and furries ...tend to not live very long, if the dates on WikiFur are any indication (I'm also a fat autistic person).

Additionally, I've been active a long time and have enough watchers that it'd be fair to say I'll receive some "RiP" shouts, too---I may even have a WikiFur entry that'll attract some to my gallery, post-mortem.


Most visitors to my 'deceased' account would be watchers---many may leave an initial, reactionary shout equating to "OMG!" or something similar. Months later, a small portion of these watchers may drop another, more tranquil shout, saying they thought of me for some reason or other. ^^

Some non-watchers who stumble onto my gallery may leave an 'I didn't know you, but you were probably nice' post. Shouts of this nature seem to be commonplace---my response would be thank you, but appearances are oft deceiving. ^_^


Speaking of responses, if I'm dead, I would not be able to reply to or even read any shouts (being dead is like that), but what fun is that?


Besides, a visitor is, after all, a person allowed to enter my home, and none who so enters my home leaves hungry; I don't want anyone who leaves me a 'RiP' shout to leave believing I'd nothing to say to them.


So, in this journal, I will try to preemptively 'respond' to shouts made to my deceased-status account, as well as answer some questions visitors may have. :3


The only problem, of course, is I'm alive as I'm writing this. Now, being alive is a good problem to have, but it will entail the use of some imagination, as I cannot tell you when I'll die or how.

Of course, any who reads this journal after my death should already know the details (you morbidly curious rascals you!), but I don't ...so I'll have to consider hypotheticals and respond to each (I'll save these for later).


For now, I want to reply to common varieties of shouts I could reasonably expect to receive based on my studies of shouts made to others.


WATCHER: "OMG! I didn't know you died!"


That's cool---I probably didn't see it coming myself; when God calls you home, you gotta answer then and there (and, I guess, I did)!

That said, I'm sure I didn't get to everything---Gene and Tasli certainly had more to do.

Please know I didn't go on purpose---we usually don't get to choose when we go out. :(

If there's a life after this (and I believe there is---more on this later), know that I've either found or have been given something else to do (and am either doing it or procrastinating, but with every intention to make it happen!). ^^

If I died violently/in extreme pain (like, if I burned to death or something)---don't worry. I shouldn't be bitter about it now as it's over forever; God has removed the trauma of it all, koreover. As it says in the bible,


"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away" (Rev 21:4)


WATCHER: "RiP"


I'm trying to, but your shouting keeps waking me up! D:


NONWATCHER: "RiP"


Sup? Thx for your visit---feel free to dig around ...my gallery, I mean, don't dig about my grave (because that's probably illegal and there's nothing in there for you).

By all means, share where you came from and why you're here---it's not 'disrespectful' to, even if it was for entertainment. lol If you were just curious, that's fine (just keep any hate to yourself, please---some people loved me for whatever reasons, and you should respect them). :3


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: D:


D:


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: <3 [or] :3 [or equivalent]


<3 [or] ^_^ [or equivalent]


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: "WtF happened!?"


You tell me, bruh! You're the one alive and with Google! D:


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: "Can you draw this?" [link]


'Can I'? There was a time when I could, sure, but now is not that time, because I'm dead---nothing works anymore (which is bad because I really wanna scratch my nose). :P

That said, I think the intended question was 'Will I' ...to which I will say I did not do (most) requests and I don't do them now more than ever. ^^


WATCHER: "I never commented but I loved your work. I'm sorry you're gone"


Aw. lol Thx! Also, I respect whatever reasons you had for not commenting before. If you're just shy, that's cool---besides, I've been told I was somewhat intimidating. I didn't understand how, but I suppose I didn't need to. Either way, it's unimportant now. I'm glad you're here and I thank you for your words. :3

If you want more, what I would say is to try, if you want, to reach out to the others you're watching and/or who're watching you. Words (esp. in text form) are for the living, and it's good to give/receive love, kind words or thoughts. You may believe what you have to say isn't important, but that's subjective (our feelings about ourselves are often irrational---I died believing my art was terrible, for example, but almost no one here would agree with that sentiment). :3


WATCHER: "I loved you; I still do. I wish we could have been better friends and corresponded more"


There are things---thoughts, feelings, regrets, wishes and hopes I took with me to the grave. You cannot know them in this life, but what I can say is I loved you as well, in a Christian sense (at the very least).

This probably leaves more questions and uncertainties in your head than before ...but displaying my feelings wasn't in the cards. Know that I died aware of the fact that I wasn't as open or inviting as I could've been---it's among those regrets I mentioned.

But even if I were alive again, I still couldn't say what I wanted or act on any of it, for reasons beyond my control. It's a consequence of psychological damage that I, as a broken and mortal man, couldn't overcome.


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: "I miss you; I hope you found peace"


Thank you. I'm with Christ (in Whom I believed), so peace is indeed mine. So if you are yet grieving for me, let the aforestated be your comfort. :3


A wish for peace for the deceased is good, but my wish would be for you to bring peace, love, and comfort to those who are yet living. There isn't much avail in extending peace to one who is dead, as the dead's eternity is what it is already. It's the living who have the power to bring peace or otherwise turn things around for the better (for themselves and for others). Make it happen! :3


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: "This is a strange journal"


Flattery will get you nowhere (but please don't stop)! ^_^


WATCHER: "It's been [X-time] since you left; still can't believe you're gone"


It's been a while, yes---once you're dead it's kinda easy to stay that way (and I was a creature of habit to begin with). ^^

Joking aside, I'm sure the world has changed---there'd be a lot to catch up on for sure. I was born in the early 1980s, and lived through at least four decades after. I've seen a lot in just that short time, and I know it doesn't take much to change the world entirely (I mean, consider the impact of the internet---a thing that was at once world-changing, but then came to be taken for granted, both during my time).

If I were to poof back to life, or if you were to visit me here for a chat, which of us would speak first!? XD We'd have so much we'd want to say to each other!

All I can say, for now, is to enjoy and experience life to the extent you can while it's there for you. :3


WATCHER: "I knew you on [X-site] and I found you here, too!"


You found me? Was I lost? o: Either way, welcome to this gallery, replete with much of the same One-Cent ACO trash as the others (though there were SOME differences among my galleries---can you find them?). :3


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: "I made this art for you" [link]


Ok, I kinda need to be alive to see and reply to it proper, but... I can reply to the spirit in which it was given.


If the art was coming from a good place, I give both you and it these hearts (cash value 1/1000 of 1 cent each): <3 <3 <3

If it's art meant to be distasteful or hurtful, then shame on you! You were a coward not to show this to me in life. Who do you think is seeing it now? Who are you hurting with it today?---my watchers; persons you don't even know and who've never done anything to you. Again, shame on you for this! D:


WATCHER/NONWATCHER: "Yiff in Hell, cub artist!"


No thank you. :3


Having said that, you're right to say I made and said things that were wrong. I struggled with these things, and repented of what I could (I took some sins to the grave with me). This is why I want my final thought to be on Christ Jesus---if I'm confronted with demons in the darkness, they will try to pull me in, I want to have the presence of mind to call on Christ to save me, because ...you're right about me: I wasn't a sinless man.


Everyone carries something with them that they wish they didn't, be it an adulterous past, a life of wanton abandon, or whatever---everyone has (at least) that ONE contrary thing that enters the mind whenever one thinks of themself as a good person.


Christ died for all that, and He will forgive if you let Him into your heart. If you do, you will do your best to let go of those things (no matter how awful) that soil your life and haunt your soul.

Accepting Christ is like entering a marriage---you give all of yourself to Him, including your sins ('accepting' Christ doesn't stop at saying 'I believe').

Jesus knows of your past and of your secrets anyway (your confessions won't reveal anything unbeknown to Him), but through His spirit, you will be given the strength to repent and to finally let these things go. This is the freedom and relationship with Christ that (true) Christians speak of.

As of writing, I'm not there, and it's possible I died still not there. But I had repented and put forth effort to clean up my gallery (faith without works is dead, they say).


My reply to this has been long already, but I would like to say a bit more. If you know your bible, then you know the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).


A woman had been caught cheating. It was the Jewish law at the time to kill one found guilty of this sin. Seeking an opportunity to test Him, the Jewish authorities brought the woman to Jesus, to ask Him what should be done with her.

Jesus replied, "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone" (back then, one would execute a criminal by throwing rocks at them).

Those who brought the woman to Jesus went away, as they all had sins on their consciouses (some of these sins may also have been punishable by death, under the same laws that were being imposed upon the woman).

Jesus then asked the woman where her accusers were. The woman replied they had left. Jesus then set the woman free, saying to her to go and sin no more.


Jesus didn't give the woman permission to live as she pleased after forgiving her, instead Jesus told her not to sin again (so, no, a follower of Christ can't just go and do whatever they want).


Additionally, we learn from the story that we all have sins---you may accuse one of an offense (perhaps even rightly), but know the Devil is there to remind you of your sins as well (the wages of any and all sin is death).

The latter is why I'd allow anyone to be my friend, as well why I'd not tell another they were going to Hell for any specific sin (esp. those atheists like to use against Christians, such as homosexuality).

Instead, I pointed out ANY sin goes against God, and I was quick to point out my own sins (among which was NSFW cub art, which, again, I'd repented of---more than once, because it was a struggle for me).


Last, please don't discourage other visitors or reinforce false beliefs with 'burn in Hell' shouts. Some persons walk through life with a lot of pain, believing Christ cannot/will not forgive them. Fact is, those persons really haven't forgiven themselves---Christ already died for their sins. :3


"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame'" (Romans 10:9-11)


"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)


Ok, enough of that... what are my thoughts on how I died? I mean, most non-watchers are more interested in how I met my end than anything else, so I should have something to contribute, yes?


Again, I couldn't possibly know how or when my end came, but there were common enders of life that I thought may affect me. These were they:


1. heart disease/heart issue

2. cancer/some other internal malady

3. accident (humorous and otherwise)


1. Ok, so heart disease would come as the least surprising to me given how I ate and lived. Though I knew not the day nor hour, I couldn't say I didn't see it coming.


How did it feel? What was it like?


I've had heart scares before---I was prone to panic attacks that caused palpitations and 'skips'. So, I had some idea already.

Mostly, it's just 'scary', but very short-lived; ou reach for your chest and perform a lightening-quick 'systems check' (as I called it)---if you're not dead, you're good!

I imagine my heart attack was like that, save it didn't end---I clenched up and that was that.

It's likely that, if I were standing, I blacked out and fell. The brain wouldn't've died right away---I'd have a couple minutes to think before my ultimate end. I would like to say my final thought was a cry out to Jesus (not so much for my life, but for my soul---recall the demons I mentioned earlier).


So, if a heart attack took me out, it's cool---it's a supremely common way to go and, again, it wouldn't've been surprising to me (and there's no shame in such an end).

The only 'surprise' would be the when and the where of its occurance. Hopefully I was either around competent people or, otherwise, alone on my chair when the end came.


2. I didn't die from cancer or organ failure immediately, at least not under normal circumstances. Consequently, I'd likely tried writing about it, or had someone else to (check the descriptions of my last art uploads---I wouldn't've used this journal space for updates/progress reports).


I understood the former, at least, was among the worst ways to go: cancer is long, painful, expensive and (usually) not worth the ordeal to treat it.

If I was terminal, I wanted to go on morphine and let that be my end (I'd've chosen this, but whether I was obliged or not, I cannot say).

So, if this is how I died, know that it happened sooner than I thought or wanted (that's almost always the case), but I addressed it in the way I thought appropriate. Whether my wishes were fulfilled would be on those who'd administer them.


To me, dying was worse than the death itself, and cancer/organ failure was all about dying. So... I was miserable, yes (gotta be honest here).

The silver lining to it was I had time to think and (circumstances allowing) a moment or two to say some goodnights (not goodbye, but goodnight---personal story there).


The above, of course, would be the best possible scenario for cancer/organ failure.


3. Given my lifestyle and what I'm subjected to most days, a fatal 'accident' for me was either something really really stupid/embarrassing, or vehicle related (I never learned to drive, so I either died as a passenger or I was struck).


Here, the reader knows more of what happened than I. I don't (at time of writing) have that knowledge, so I can say only this:


If it was instant: good! If not, then I had a DNR/a wish for morphine, if terminal. Again, I was totally cool with death, but dying could hang itself. :P

If I burned, drowned, or was mauled to death or whatever, recall the first verse I cited in this journal: Rev 21:4 (God will take away all my distress).

Know that it was a hell like one cannot imagine---I won't lie or sugarcoat it for you ...but it's over (and likely has been for years now); neither the pain nor the trauma exist for me anymore (and never will again). :3


If I died in a way not listed here, well... hopefully I had a moment to think before my brain shut down; I wanted Christ to be my final thought. :3


Also, though I've made remarks about being buried, etc., it's actually in my will that I be cremated. My S/O was cremated. and I want the same reconstitution as she (besides, I don't want to decompose or consume any land).


Again, if this journal is being read after my death, the reader knows how I died. So, if additional insight is desired, refer to what what I've written already about my beliefs (not just in this journal, but here and there throughout my gallery). This should give the reader enough perspective to form a reasonable conclusion as to what my thoughts on my death would be.


The Cliffs Notes version would be I feared not death, but the dying---that's what I'd want to be over and done with (and now, it is). An excruciating death that, say, lasted for minutes, hours or even days, would be nothing next to my 40+ years of life. A terrible event it was, sure, but it was (in the grand scheme) just a moment or two (snd, to re-re-re-repeat) is now forever over and done with. :3

I had hope for a new life in Christ---I didn't die believing in 'nothing' or lacking in hope. Uncertainty? Absolutely! Fear/anxiety? Darn right! but not hopeless or abandoned. :3


But whatever it was I went though may've been new to me insofar as the experience of it, but the end (be it a heart attack or a car accident) was common to man in general (there's nothing new under the sun, the bible says). :3

If I died in some unique way, well... so much the better! It's brought additional attention to my profile (if nothing else) and has given the morbid among us something to think about (you're welcome). ^_^


I suppose some would ask me if God exists, and/or if I'm in Heaven or Hell. Some who are adamant that God doesn't exist may think I'm just another Christian sheep. They will think,


"He believed there was a Heaven for him---I guess he knows the truth now! HAHAHA!"


I'll try to give answer to these things, albeit it's difficult given the fact I was alive at the time of writing all this. ^^


Mine is a Christian worldview (if that wasn't apparent already), therefore, in life I'd accepted that Jesus was the Son of God who died for me---that in Him, I was saved though grace and repentance. :3


If I made it to Heaven, by God's grace, then there's no need to worry. I'm sure one does what one does what one does what one does in Heaven; it's a reality one acclimates to over time (presuming time is a thing in Heaven). I've likely figured it out what to do and how to do it by now. :3


If I ended up in Hell, then be sure I know exactly why I was put there. As others (who didn't read this journal before replying) are composing shouts wishing me peace, I am screaming and burning in eternal pain. I'm not alone, at least, but that's not a comfort. I failed and that's all there is.

Whatever sent me here is a consequence of something I did or didn't do in life---likely something I could've changed just after writing this journal. Be certain I know the answers in death, but that's all in retrospect (so I will say I wish I knew now what I didn't know then).


If the Christian God wasn't a reality, then what?


Well, there are infinite possibilities, but most would fall under these categories:


1. some other god/faith was true

2. reincarnation (related to 2)

3. nothing


1. I've responded (or tried to respond) to it in whatever way was appropriate. Too many scenarios/variables here to answer.


2. It was just a new beginning, not unlike the one I received so many decades ago when I was born.


If I returned as an insect, my first sight was the sun or moon (and I comprehended it not). I likely drowned in a drop of dew soon after (but that's cool---I got to try again, so to speak). :3


If an animal, my first experience was that of my mother's tongue ...or the feel of the grass, earth or of water. :3


If a person, I 'became' only after having experienced my first memory. I'd not've given much additional thought to this, as I was too busy playing with blocks (or whatever toddles do in whatever future I was born into). :3


3. If nothing awaited me, how would I know it?


I could get philosophical here, but I dislike philosophy---it's generally useless, unless you're an argumentative, high-IQ type prone to boredom (but I digress).


If 'nothing' awaited me, then ...'nothing happened' (so what's this journal about?) ^^


More naturalistically, whatever awaits a person in death already 'is' in some way---there's no 'endless void of eternal darkness' because matter and time exist.

So, I'm yet part of the physical universe, save the 'I' that was formed and developed through stimulation, experiences, electrical impulses and chemistry is no longer accessible in any meaningful way (my 'past' will always be part of the universe's 'present').


How to access 'MartenFerret', then?


In the world of cyberspace, I was but text on a screen (much like you're reading now). Much of 'me' may yet be out there someplace---you'll just have to look for it (this journal is but one of many fragments of that which was 'MartenFerret').

There won't be any new data coming though (no sense refreshing your browser for notifications from me), but what 'was' still 'is' (by degrees) and can be read, viewed, or listened-to (depending). I just hope I left enough to keep you entertained. :3


TL;DR: I'm in Heaven with the Lord; don't worry about me (whatever happened to me in life is over now---I'm already on to something else). :3

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